My laundry is piling up high and I can't seem to find the right detergent.  Every one I have used in the past has left my clothes rinsed, scrubbed, and wet but never clean.  And because of this I just continue to buy new outfits instead of dealing with the ones I already have. 

Outfits that I no longer fit but can't seem to throw away.  I just hang on to them hoping for the right detergent someday.  Outfits like depression, self-loathing, negativity, disguise, low self-esteem, physical abuse, mental abuse, love, indecisive and regret.  They just keep piling up in my closet and I just keep closing the door in hopes of hiding it from company, from family, from loved ones, from myself.  But today I opened the closet door and was buried in the mess that has become of my life and I couldn't breathe. 

Reaching my arm out from under the mess I felt the empty cool air surrounding my fingers and I wanted to break free.  I started from the bottom of the pile and picked up my first dress. My outfit of molestation.  I held it, ripped and torn to practically shreds as I remembered it and began to cry.  I was crying because I not only saw the rips of things I remembered but holes and stains of incidents that I had blocked out.  And next to it, I realized why there were things I couldn't recall, because I had on my invisible coat.  My invisible coat helped me forget, pretend, be hidden & deny all incidents that occured in that dress and I would take it with me from that moment on.  I grabbed that dress and balled it up and threw it out of the pile and into the laudry basket. 

Next were my baggy pants and big shirt of disguise.  Make myself ugly is what I remember.  Deter all men from finding me desirable so I can just get through the rest of my childhood safely.  I claimed tomboy at the core of my lungs and I found happiness in this outfit.  I became the friend. I lived in the friend.  Until the disguise wasn't satisfying me anymore.  Until the friend wasn't pleasing to my soul anymore. So I went shopping.  Bought me a name brand scarf of love, a first, a promising future in a lie and wore it proudly.  Damaged hearts of those involved and begged for everlasting completion from a love that kept me cold.  No matter how many times I wrapped love around my body I just couldn't seem to keep warm.   Until my love scarf tried to choke me.  As it tightened around my neck I searched for air to breathe, to be free again, to venture and grow up without expectations or hindrance.  As I held that scarf at the bottom of the pile and looked at it I now realized that it was not a name brand after all.  It was possing as love. An imatation of, an imposter of, and manipulation of love. This angered me and I threw it with all of my strength right into the basket along with my outfit of disguise.  These clothes were never a true depiction of who I was.  But I didn't know who I was either.  With more room to crawl around under the pile I found my sweats of depression.  Holding these smelly big sweats I started to gag.  I couldn't believe how many years I wore these. With a draw string I was able to take these sweats through years and years of physical growth.  They had been everywhere with me.  Through dirt, rain, wind, sleet and memories.  They covered my truth. Covered my feelings, covered my dress, my baggy clothes and my self.  These sweats went perfect with my invisible coat and that is exactly where I put it.  With my coat in the basket.

I looked around to find my self standing in a pile much smaller but still overwhelming.  Still outfits of depression, envy, greed, sexy, confusion, low self-esteem, and financial instability.  And I screamed.  Without retracing the dates and times I wore these clothes I just grabbed loads and loads by the arm full and threw them towards the basket.  Ripping and streching them out. Balling and scrunching them into balls of fire. Until the pile was in my closet no more.  The pile was in the basket and I thought I was free.  Until I looked into the mirror to see that I was wearing my outfit of anger.  And in rage I stripped my self naked of all material things covering the essence of who I was.  Who I am.  Who I have always been underneath the cloth.  Emani. 

And I stood there naked.  For all to see.  For me to see.  And was unhappy.  Unsatisfied.  And confused.  I realized at that moment that there was nothing to see.  Nothing to reveal because I wasn't sure of who I was.  What I was...or who I was to become. 

And in that moment....somewhere in that moment....I became excited.  I was free and excited to find the clothes that would accent me.  But I will not throw on clothes unsure anymore.  I would start with my hair accessories.  My bracelets, my rings, my necklaces....I would start slow...but I was determined to start fresh.  To find me.   And to make sure to find me without dirty laundry defining who I was.  I then went back into my room and looked at the pile again.  One last look....because laundry detergent isn't enough.  I realized that no matter how many times I tried to wash those painful outfits it would never be enough.  Even if they finally came out clean...they would still be exactly what they once stood for.

So I had a spiritual garage sale.  Determined to rid myself of all the negative influences that had once determined who I thought I was...and excited about the Me I would discover....without the old, abused, wrinkled, smelly, discolored, torn, ripped experiences of my past.

And now I feel free.

Spring cleaning began early for me this lifetime...and will continue to happen as things, people, and circumstances try to get me down in the future. I won't be afraid to start clean with every relationship, with every dream, with every destination, with every new adventure and with every step in recovery and forward movement. 

I won't be afraid to discover me.

The last week has brought about so much energy and determination and I am ready for the world.  If I have ever said I was ready before...I was lying.  I am ready for the world today!  I am so ready to take the industry by storm and surprise and I can't wait!  My preparation is beyond imagination and I am just ready for my moment in time to present itself.  I am currently looking for an acting agent, instead of just a dance/commercial one, so I can finally just broadcast what I can do to you all. 

I wonder if the world is ready for me...

Title: Changes part 3

Song: "I found my everything" By Mary J.

Each day has become extremely repeatative.  With just working and playing "catch-up" with all of my bills.  My thoughts are still the same with the changes going on in my life just much mored intense and without 15 minute breaks!  Complicated things have become.  With evolving in 2006, I realize this means changing many things to uplift the other important things.  Obviously, my life before wasn't working right, so something has to change.  I haven't lost any weight either since I was supposed to start working out last year.  Well, actually I lost about 5 pounds but that is nothing to me.  I want to...actually...maybe not loose but definatley tone up the weight that I am carrying now.  It's not heavy or anything, but I can definately tighten it up.

Mary J gets all of the play in my car stereo right now.  Her album is so good.  I can just let it play over and over again.  I am also listening to James Blunt right now, Life Jennings, & Fantasia.  But that is besides the point.

You know I really want to come here and release my thoughts but the problem is that when I get here I am not sure of what to say anymore.  I don't know what it is, but it's just not as private anymore.  I don't know.  I guess I will end this for now and come back when I feel more like sharing.

~Emani~

Title: I have made some changes...

Song: A Woman's Worth By Alicia Keys

I have decided to change the look of my journal because I need it to match the way I feel if I am going to continue to be here. I have a lpage at myspace as well: http://www.myspace.com/emanisullivan and have made changes to my website @ http://geocities.com/emani_sullivan as well.   I am going to become more active with this journal space of mine in the internet world.  I need a place to go so that I can release my daily thoughts.  This journal needs me...and I need it.

I have had so many things going on in the past few months.  Some of them linger on into 2006, but I am trying to iron out the wrinkles in my life.  I want to fly!  I want to achieve all of my dreams and fly as high as the eagle.  My life is becoming foriegn to me.  I have two borthers who are now trying to be in my life and my father as well.  This is a life I have never known.  I am also dealing with my own issues mentally from heartships of all sorts.  This official transition into womanhood is difficult and draining but I try my best to stay positive and role with all of lifes punches.  A few blows almost knocked me down but I remained balanced for the most part.  I declare for 2006 to be the year of EVOLUTION.  I am becoming aware of the fact that no matter what my faults are I deserve (insert here).  My self worth is the most important thing that I need to be aware of and confident in in order to achieve all things.

But on a lighter note...

OMG! So I love Nikka Costa and guess what?  I told you guys about my job...well, she came into the spa to get a gift certificate for Randy Jackson!  I was so excited because her music means so much to me.  One of her songs actually guided me to los angeles!  I had to let her know.  So I did what any star struck girl would do.  I told her.  She was so nice and actually asked me which song!  No one really knows her or her music but they should.  So I am recommending that you all get her CD. She has two albums out at this time.  The cover you see below is the first one which I love so dearly!

Yes Folks!  It was an amazing day for me when it comes to that.  Because I was going through so many thoughts of "what is my purpose" and then meeting the woman whose song was on repeat while I was driving to LA when I moved here was a confirmation that this year is definately the year of EVOLUTION

Wow it has been so long since I have written in this journal.  I'd be surprised if anyone even reads this.  Well, so much has changed in my life once again.  By the time I write in this journal that is the topic of discussion! LOL  Well, I have recently moved in to a home with my friend Ron and am renting a room there for a few months until I can get my own place.  It is such a nice place and I am excited about that.  I also just recently got a job at a Day Spa: called Burke Williams.  It's only located on the West Coast, so for my East Coast peoples, sorry but there is not Burke Williams near you!

We get a lot of famous people coming into the spa and spending bookos of money.  Recently Monique (The actress) was there getting a massage.  Then Morris Chestnut came in today to buy a gift certificate as well as Kelita Smith.  Now many people may not know who she is (Kelita), but she is on the Bernie Mac how playing his wife....

Anyways, that was stupid information for no reason.  I am not going home for Christmas! I know!... This is the first time in my entire life that I have not spent Christmas with my mom and sister.  It feels so un-natural.  I don't even know what to do with myself on that day now.  Which really sucks.  I hope everyone else has an amazing Christmas though.  I am just happy to have somewhere to live this X-mas.  I wasn't sure I would.  But that's another story.

Well, like always I am ending this entry for now and hope to be back sooner than normal.

To my Friends on Bravejournal.....COME BACK TO ME!

I'm still here people, just very seldom, but still here.  So don't be afraid that I won't see your replies to my entries. I have been pretty busy lately with life and everything, plus trying to do my thing in the acting game.  It's a hard business and a complicated life to live all at the same time, but God is keeping me here for a reason, and my job is to fulfill this opportunity. My writing projects are still in effect and I have been coming up with some juicy stuff!  Hopefully you will all be watching it on television soon!  Keep your fingers crossed...(unless you are an enemy or someone who wishes me no well...then click off this page!) LOL  I am hoping this lady calls me back this week so I can get my pictures taken.  I have been waiting for this stupid pimple to go away, but I can't wait on that, because I got stuff to do and they have technology like a mug...so they can airbrush it out. LOL

Anyways, Yesturday I went to the Great Forum in Inglewood (where the Lakers used to play before they built the Staples Center) and saw the preaching of T.D Jakes!  I was so awesome, and I can feel the message he delivered.  He is so great, and you should check him out if he is ever in your town.  Oh, was he speaking to me.  Everything he had to say I was there to hear.  God wanted me there at that Forum last night...and I didn't object.  I heard about it on the radio, jumped up and went.  Praise God that I did, because it got me out of my slump.

Well, I am not going to take up too much time, plus I have other things to do, but make sure to visit my sisters new home page it is the best in the world.... http://www.candyacidreign.com She is so awesome and deserves more than an audience, she deserves a following! lol...but true.

Love you guys and speak with you again soon.

Oh and shout out to all that visit my journal even when I don't update: Bonni, Bogart, Nati, Dessa and Emcee.

And Still Growing...

I have been really spending alot of time taking dance classes and writing.  My girlfriend, Joy Liani, and I have been working on some projects that I can't wait to start pitching to some Networks.  Some pretty funny stuff!  You guys would be proud of me!  I have been getting back in shape and just really working on my growth and development as a person.  I haven't been working but am looking for work.  I just really need a job that can work around my busy schedule and that can be hard to find.  But my projects are an investment in my future and most important on my list right now.  Life has it's ups and downs, but I have been trying to only find the ups in it.  I've been going to church and really just working on my spiritual being in this world and preparing it for the after life. 

I have still been really trying to grasp the whole idea of being 26.  It's interesting getting older, ya know?  Especially when your not where you would like to be at this point in time in your life.  I am thinking about going back to school, but I don't know.  What I want to happen is for these projects to be my way.  It's what I want to REALLY do with the rest of my life and it would be nice to be able to make a living doing what you love.  Such a rare thing in life.  But I am determined to make it happen. 

Today I have three dance classes to go to: 5:00, 6:00 and 8:00, so I should be pretty tired by the end of the day.

Besides all of that, I am excited about going home to visit next month.  You know I want to stay atleast two weeks, maybe even more.  Just really go home and realize why I'm here in LA again.  Alot of my friends are moving out here soon.  Dennis is moving here and Nate is moving back.  Pretty exciting.

Oh how can I forget!  Remember my Diana Ross story?  Well, guess who was at my church a week ago?  Stevie Wonder!!!  Okay, I know he was there before but this time he gave a testimony and performed a song!  Dude, only in LA can you praise God and get a free concert at the same time!!!  His testimony was about his wife.  He had lost a wife before and is now re-married.  His wife today was diagnosed for cancer and he prayed with all faith that it will be taken from her...And when they went to the doctor again it was gone!  They couldn't find the cancer.  He was all teary eyed and everything!  Wow!  It was awesome.  You know it's crazy right because I always knew that Stevie was blind, but YO' STEVIE IS REALLY BLIND!!!!  I mean watching him walk around and fill for stuff brings it to a reality.  he so talented and so bomb that at times you think "Is he lying" LOL...Not really, but you know what I mean.  But he is REALLY blind!

Anyways, I need to go and visit all of you good people so I need to end this entry.  But let me go by saying that growth is continous!  Even when you think your grown there is so much to still learn. Continue to grow physically and spiritually and be the best person that you can be with God's assistance. 

Be peace and love.  Emani

Well, what can I say?  I have so many things on my mind right now...Like how I have so much Drama in my life, yet I can't seem to write not one single poem about it.  I thought that I would be able to write atleast ten thousand poems after the recent troubles during my birthday time, but nope, nothing. 

Life presents so many choices and they are all there for you to make and hope that the choice you make is the right one, but there is always that fear lurking in the back of your mind that you have just made the biggest mistake of your life.  And then there is the teasing words of "Are you sure, because if you do this instead then...."  Only time can tell which choice would have been better either after the damage is done or after the damage was avoided, but no matter what you have to make that choice.  And choice is very impatient.  At times you can take so long that choice decides itself by leaving you less options or only one option at all.  And then you feel robbed of choice and saddened by your lack of control on the situation at hand.  So when faced with a choice you have to just use faith and choose what would be best for you depending on your current circumstances or personal goals for the future.  But whatever you do don't let the choice decide itself because then you may have to suffer the consequences of an action that you had no control over or did not intend it to be the story of your life.

Make your decisions for yourself.  Advise is nice but not necessary.  Advice can make you dependent.  Dependent upon what someone else choice would be or would have been.  Just trust yourself and God and let the choices unravel themselves into the masterpiece they will become:  Your Life.

My Birthday was very interesting, I am only now recovering from what happened.  I had some very good surprises and some bad ones too.  But I don't wnat to focus on the bad right now so let's move on to the good.  I got an unexpected phone call from my father on my birthday.  I haven't spoken to him in atleast 7 or 8 years.  And even when we talked then it was only for a minute.  He got my phone number from my Grandma and I was pretty shocked by the sound of his voice.  It's funny cause I have been thinking about him so much within the last 6 months or so.  I have been thinking about all of the things in my life that I felt were missing and just questions of who he is and what part of him made me.  So I look at his phone call as a gift.  I now have his phone number and his address so as soon as I am done updating my journal here, I am going to write him a letter and get some of these questions answered.  This is great for my growth as a person and spiritually, because I am finally closing chapters in my life that were left opened to distroy my charecter, but it will not succeed.  I will now find out where my two little brothers are and begin a life long relationship with them also.  I have been thinking of them as well alot.  Thinking about how I need to find them and how if I have a child or they have  one we would not know that we were aunties or uncles....I can't have that in my life.  I value family and want to know them all.

Another surprising phone call from my Uncle Kevin.  Man, that really made my day!  I have always felt like if I had anything in common with anyone outside of my mom, sister, and Papa it was him.  He and I share many of the same goals and we just have this thing, I feel.  My sister is so much like my father and I am like my Uncle Kevin.  I can't wait until he and I hook up and just spend some quality time together and catch up and talk and recieve and give advice on life. I need that in my life, from a mans point of view.  I haven't had a male role model in my life. My grandpa was the only one and he just spoiled me! lol

One of my good friends called me too from High school.  I haven't talked to him in about 3 or 4 years now.  I was so shocked that he even remebered my Birthday!  That was so sweet.

And then alot of my friends DIDN'T call.  But like I said I don't want to talk about that right now.

I am also excited because we are done writing our first episode to our sitcom and are now shopping around, or I should say asking around on what to do next.  I"m very excited about this project and determined.   Also. my friend Nate Adams has just booked a role on a sitcom! It's called Noah's Ark and he is one of the charecters on there.  They are in production now and I think it will be out in the fall or so.  Look for that peoples.  That woke me up!  I really need to get on the ball so that I can be in production! 

Well, take care and I will be back soon.  I'm tired of abandoning you fine people for so long.

Until Next Time

Emani Sullivan